Part One
Decision
"Sean, may I worship you tonight?” I asked breathlessly when our lips parted. “Those nights when I taste every inch of your flesh seem to go on forever. You’re leaving so soon. I don’t know how much time we’ll have together next weekend, so, tonight, let me feel like I have all eternity to enjoy you. Please?"
He gasped before he whispered, "Dear Goddess, I’m yours to command."
He kissed me deeply again before lazily laying backward. His eyes betrayed blatant curiosity while he grinned at me. I kissed his almost smug lips once more before I slowly kissed his entire body. This would have to last me until he returned from India.
I loved worshipping him. I relished every second my tongue grazed his skin. I nibbled. I licked. I sucked as he stared at me in awe. When he entered his waves of orgasm without ejaculation, I slowed significantly while I relaxed my grip. I also licked lighter and slower. When his look of awe returned, I intensified my sucking once more.
The texture of his skin the night we returned from New York is permanently tattooed on my lips. For months afterward I meditated on these sensations to decipher what followed. I liberated my every emotion as my tongue enjoyed the saltiness hiding in his crevices. The dance of candlelight on his form hypnotized me.
This was how I wanted to celebrate life, but every second I tasted his skin took me closer to his departure time. Only his moans could awake me from these melancholy thoughts. His moans told me that he liked everything I was doing.
“While he’s here,” I thought. “I can still show him my love.” I decided to make memories to enjoy during his absence. I searched my imagination for innovations I could accomplish orally. I studied this night for months afterward wondering how I could have avoided what followed. I sought my culpability in his decision. He didn’t make choices lightly.
Before we had returned to Ohio that morning, we attended 7 a.m. Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral. I remembered seeing it on television during Robert Kennedy’s funeral. It was as large as it looked on TV. Stained glass windows magnificently illuminated its Gothic architecture. My surroundings overwhelmed me as I listened to the sermon. Afterward, we drove to the airport, and my adventure ended.
Although New York was exciting, home looked wonderful. While I watered my plants, I apologized for being gone so long. Then I dumped my dirty clothes in a basket. I decided to visit my parents’ before Sean collected me for dinner.
I stopped at Charles and Roger’s on my way out. Charles nearly seemed well, although something obviously worried him. When he wouldn't elaborate, I offered them kisses and their presents before heading to my parents’.
They were glad to see me. While I loaded the washer, I babbled on about the city and the museum. Mom liked that we visited to St. Patrick’s. She bemoaned not seeing it when she went with Dad.
When I told mom about the ballerina who lived in Sean’s building, she exclaimed, “Madame Andreianova was the reason I took you to see Margot Fontaine during her last tour. She retired before I could see her dance, and I didn’t want you to miss the greatest of your era. Madame Andreianova’s legendary like Nijinsky.” She wanted to hear all about her.
Then they asked about the party. “It was dizzying,” I responded.
“Where did you stay?” Mom asked.
“Sean has a two bedroom apartment in Greenwich Village. Phil lives downstairs while he attends Columbia. Sean owns the building and a few more. He also owns the plane we flew. Yuk! I hate flying.”
“Can’t blame you there, Jessie!” Dad exclaimed with a laugh. He traveled on business occasionally but always took sedatives before he’d step onto one.
Then they discussed their annual New Year's Eve gathering with the Millers and Gardners. For as long as I could remember, we rotated every year between our three homes to celebrate. We always spend the night, so no one drank and drove.
We, kids, would watched TV or, in my case, read. I spent more time with the adults once I turned thirteen, though. I watched and listened to them wondering at their behavior. They were loud and laughed about things which never struck me as funny, but at least they didn’t sing demeaning songs about me like their children.
“The kids missed you this year,” Mom assured me after giving me the play by play of their holiday.
I doubted it but smiled at her as I replied, “I hope everyone was well.”
While I folded my laundry, Mom invited me to stay for dinner. I took a rain check. “Sean’s picking me up for dinner in a couple of hours. He leaves for India next Sunday. I’ll come over then.”
When Dad dropped me at my apartment, I saw Sean's car parked out front. Within five minutes after I ran upstairs to put my laundry away, Sean knocked. “I’m almost ready,” I promised as I answered the door.
As he followed me into my bedroom, he spoke seriously. “May I ask a favor?”
I stopped hanging up my clothes and smiled at him. “I’ll do anything for you.”
He grinned endearingly. "I need you to use my car while I travel. It would be a kindness." I knew he hated me walking, especially in the winter, but I didn't expect this. I smirked at his over-protectiveness until he explained.
"Charles needs to stay active, so I want you to bring them to my home weekly. You choose the day. Perhaps you could do your laundry while you watch a movie. You see, our immune system works only when our muscles move. Since we are also trying to boost his metabolism, his energy level must remain as high as he can tolerate. One gets energy from using energy."
I still thought he was using Charles to get me to drive against my will, though. "You really hate that I don't have a car, don’t you?" I remarked sarcastically.
He laughed. "Well, no, but you’re your own woman. Your choices are yours to make. I genuinely asked this for Charles. He’ll sit in that bloody apartment if we don’t intervene. That would be detrimental to everything we’re trying. I’ll leave you with numbers to contact Phillip if anything happens. Roger refuses to discuss the possibility of an emergency because he’s trying to stay positive.” Sean smiled adding, “As it should be! Faith can move mountains, but, just in case, I rely on you to call Phillip. He’ll have Marcia here within two hours."
I put my hands to my heart and took a deep breath. No one had ever relied on me before. I felt proud of myself and grateful to him for believing he could. “I’ll do what I can, but, if I wreck your car, I’ll be the first to say, 'I told you so.'"
He grabbed me playfully as he chuckled. "As long as no one‘s hurt, I don't care about the bloody car.” After a long lingering kiss, he whispered seductively, “In fact, you drive tonight." When he slipped the keys down my blouse, I giggled. Then I argued, but he convinced me when he explained, “I want to be certain that you’re comfortable driving on ice.”
“You’re responsible if I kill everyone,” I warned him. “You’ll explain it to St. Peter at the gates, not me. I’m not taking the heat, so to speak, for this.”
“I’ll chance it,” he remarked with a squeeze.
Our meal at Dominico’s felt like a party until I realized that I had focused so much on Sean’s departure that I forgot that it would be a long time before I saw Jean Pierre again. “I wish you lived near us,” I exclaimed. “I’ll miss you so much.”
He squeezed my hand. “You’re to write to me en Français, remember? This way you can understand us when you visit in June."
Charles shot Sean an odd look before he grinned at me and asked, "So, they’ve convinced you to go to France, Jessie?"
I shrugged. "It’s a long time until June."
Sean kissed my hand. "This is your birthday present, remember? You’ll love it there, and they’ll love you in return.”
When I shrugged again, I glanced at Charles. An undercurrent vibrated through this conversation which I didn't understand. Before I could ask, Jean Pierre distracted me with new descriptions of his home and neighbors.
Roger kissed Charles sweetly before he reminisced about their hand-fasting and their honeymoon at Sean’s home in France nine years before. Envy struck me like a bolt of lightning. I’d never have a honeymoon with Sean. I lowered my head to hide the wave of sadness flooding me.
I took a deep breath and tried to distract myself by listening to Jean Pierre, again. I didn’t want to mourn until they left, so I held Sean's hand through most of our dinner savoring each view. I had loved every moment of our holidays together, but he was leaving, and I would be alone.
Sean awoke me from these thoughts when he confessed spontaneously, “Dove and I sat for Mateo.”
Charles responded jovially, “We did that for our third anniversary. Marcia even invited him to her grove for Beltane. That was a hoot and a half.” They all laughed at a memory I didn’t share.
“Margery and I were his first models,” Jean Pierre confessed.
Charles laughed as he quipped, "That was before the beard though, Jessie. You wouldn't believe it, but beneath that fur, Jean Pierre has the face of an angel. He hides it under that big bear look." When he pulled Jean Pierre's beard, Jean Pierre responded by slapping his hand playfully while releasing a slew of French oaths.
“Behave!” Roger snapped at Charles who was more playful than I’d seen him in sometime. It was almost like before his hospital trip.
I drove Roger and Charles home before we went to Sean’s. Jean Pierre immediately kissed me good night when we arrived. “I need to finish packing,” he announced.
Before he adjourned upstairs, he shot a dark glance at Sean. As I opened my mouth to question their behavior, Sean wiggled his eyebrows and whispered, “Race you!”
I thought I would win, until he picked me up in the kitchen to carry me the rest of the way. I screamed and giggled until he laid me on his bed and stared into my eyes. "No matter what happens, Jessica, my Dove, you have my soul in the palm of your hands. I’m with you always."
Something was happening to which I wasn’t privy. While I untied his hair, I asked, “What’s wrong, Sean?”
He replied by kissing me. "I wish our lives were different, beautiful friend,” he released with a sigh. “Once you complete your education, you’re welcome to travel with me. I’d love to hear your perceptions of these places. Until then, please, keep my soul here for me.” Then he kissed both palms.
"I’ll miss you,” I confessed. “At least, I’ll have a last glimpse of you at the airport."
“And I’ll see your face the moment I return. What a wonderful weekend, Dove! You gave me such a gift. Thank you."
I giggled. "This was supposed to be your gift to me. Either way, it’s been amazing. I never knew such people existed. What a world! I couldn't live there though." I released an involuntary shudder which provoked his smile.
"Fine! You’ll have to write about ordinary people doing ordinary things like Jane Austen did."
I laughed harder. "So far, I write about you and the people I meet through you. None of them are ordinary, least of all you."
He kissed me deeply before he allowed me to taste every inch of his body. Eventually he whispered, "Dove, I need to move. May I enter you now?" he asked. I lifted my head and licked my lips.
He laid his bedspread on the floor before asking me to spread my legs and rest my ankles on his shoulders. He chose an intense Kama Sutra position saying, “You’ll have more pleasure this way, and I can use the power you’ve instilled in me.” Then he squatted after hooking his elbows around my knees.
I giggled wondering what he was doing. “Guide me in with your hips, Dove.” When I accommodated, the tip of his penis dipped stimulatingly between my lips. "Fine," he whispered tensely.
I marveled at his strength while he swung his hips toward me and away using gravity in the most marvelous ways. Then my focus shifted to amazement at my sensations inside. I cried out my pleasure as he rocked in deep and out to the edge repeatedly.
"Sing for me Dove," he commanded as his eyes burned into mine.
I lifted my hips to meet his when my orgasm started. As I let go, I traveled to that outside space which orgasm projected me toward. I heard a woman’s voice vibrate to the rhythm of my spasms. “Everything’s possible when you open your heart,” she sang her truth.
I don’t know how long I floated in the bliss of such knowledge, but when I regained my sense of lying on the floor of Sean’s bedroom again, his bedspread covered us, and he kissed my cheek while watching me carefully.
“You traveled, Dove.” His simple statement sounded musical.
“Yes,” I replied when my voice finally activated.
“I feel powerful when I help you experience your true self,” he confided.
“I’m always my true self with you, Sean,” I whispered.
I wanted to share these sensations with him. Love for him swallowed me up. "Lean over and come into my mouth, so I can swallow you," I commanded spontaneously. Then I bit my lip and smiled at him waiting to see how he reacted to my idea.
His tongue danced between my lips again while I floated in nearly a dreamlike state. I watched him reposition into a ball. His knees rested beside each of my shoulders while his head settled on the floor. Then he brought his hips toward my mouth.
As I guided him the rest of the way salivating expectantly, I tasted my flavor on him. He began slowly to discover how deep he could go without gagging me. His eyes remained on my mouth as I engulfed him and then reluctantly released him. He seemed to extend further with every stroke.
"I’ll send my offering deep, Dove," he warned me. After he gauged the depth he wanted, he moved faster. "My I prove worthy of such a gift," he groaned. Then he thrust. My hands gripped his hips, so I could expect his movements.
He picked up his head. Straight backed with eyes closed, he released the first shots of his offering. My vagina contracted again with the experience. Before I allowed him to pull out of my mouth, I took one more cleansing lick to collect the last precious drops of my reward. Once he retreated, he rolled into a ball around my head. Then he tenderly kissed my face expressing words of affection.
I basked in that moment. The thought that I could do this with anyone other than Sean seemed ridiculous. I couldn’t tell anyone else what I shared with him. He never made me feel stupid. No request shocked him. He appreciated my ingenuity and uniquenesses. I never met anyone who enjoyed me as I was before I met those associated with Shangri-La. My family and their friends always wanted me to be different in some way.
Sean was my center and my anchor. I loved to lie here with him completely exposed to whatever I was or wanted to be. Who would be stupid enough to not want to be where I was? I turned to look into his eyes trying to imagine lying here with another, but I couldn't.
I felt liberated with him. I found perfection in his eyes. Sure he was strange. Things he did were unique, but they were Sean things. I remembered discussing this with Charles and Roger once. I loved those things because Sean did them.
"I can only do this with you," I confessed softly. He wouldn’t be happy, but I needed to be honest. "I only see you. I only want to touch you, to feel you wrap around me like this. What you ask is too hard. I’ll fail miserably. Tell me anything else on earth that you want, and I’ll comply. You know me. I’d do anything for you."
Sadness replaced the bliss I had seen in his eyes moments before. "You’ll do anything except embrace the world in which you belong. Dove, a time’ll come when I leave you as Margie left me. You lack a sense of mortality while I’m learning to embrace mine.”
He sighed deeply. “I’ll be 46 at Lugnasad. Do you know what that means? My bones feel it more each morning, especially during winter. My strength’ll wane, while yours waxes. Our vigor reminded me how strong and vital I remain, but I sense the beginning of its end." He ran his hands along my body as he continued, "I won't do that to you. I’m not asking you to seduce the first man you meet, but please accept reality. You’re a powerful force. I bless you for reminding me how it feels to be part of a whole, but now you need to teach others how love is made."
I looked away and sighed. He didn’t understand what I was saying. Tears welled as he resumed kissing and gently rubbing my face with the back of his hand. "Could we climb in bed now, please? I want to hold you." I whispered. He kissed me and sat up.
When we stood, I could feel him slip away although he held me close. As I grasped him tightly, he whispered “I’ll return, Dove. Don’t be afraid. My soul rests in the palm of your hands, remember?"
I relaxed a little as he kissed their palms tracing my heart lines with his tongue. Maybe this was a whim. As long as I could touch him, all would be well, but I couldn't meet his eyes. I knew Sean. He would make sure that I was fine before he let this drop, but I wasn't, and I didn't want him to convince me that he was right.
I distracted myself by collecting our clothes from around the room. I breathed deeply to stifle my tears. Like an epiphany, I realized my life with Sean was filled with goodbyes. Our time would always have limits. I fooled myself into thinking that our together time might grow, but reality set in. If I must accept that this was all I could ever have with him, I wouldn't waste that time by arguing.
By the time we picked up around the room, I was ready to smile in his face. The time of complete openness ended. The days of reserve began. As I lay there listening to his heartbeat, I contemplated why God, or Goddess if Sean was correct, would hand me the presence of this beautiful man in my life, and then keep him at arms reach.
I felt our farewell before it came. Now was all I had, so I resolved to feel him for as long as I could. I wanted to throw a tantrum to shake off my feeling of despair. I had just hosted the man that I loved inside of me. I swallowed his essence. I should rejoice, yet I inhaled tears of frustration.
I suddenly feared him. He would never hurt me, but I worried that I would offend him. He was my friend. I understood that protecting me was how he showed me his love, but I didn't want to be protected. I just wanted to love him.
"Whatever shall I do without you to hold at night?" he whispered in the darkness.
I hugged him tight and sighed. It sounded so final. I prayed that his sadness came from knowing he’d miss me, not because I disappointed him. I would definitely miss him. I felt like we shared my burden as we lay together in grief.
“I wish I didn’t need to be in New York all week,” he sighed.
"I understand, Sean. More than a few people depend on you." I kissed his chest and added, "Thank you for allowing me to stay with you and your family and friends over the holidays. It’s been ..." I paused looking for a word. "Nirvana." I finished smiling.
He sat up and remarked agitatedly, "When will you accept that you’re part of my family? I don't know how we came so far so fast, but we have. Our souls are merged, no matter how separated we become physically." He ran his hand lightly down my arm before he picked up my hand and kissed its palm. "I know where to find my soul when I need it."
I kissed his chest again. Then I looked into his eyes. "I felt you watch me more than usual today. I feel you a lot. That book on Chakras said our energy bodies vibrate on our skin. Is that why I can do that? I can't do that with my parents, Roger or Charles, though. I only feel you."
"’Tis a matter of focus, Dove," he answered seriously. "You focus more than you should on me. ‘That’s why you’re hypersensitive to me."
"I don't understand." I admitted. "What do you mean, too much?"
"Shhh!" he whispered. "Let’s absorb the peace of this moment. ‘Twill be the last for a long time."
"I love you Sean.” I exhaled squeezing him.
"I love you, too. No matter what happens, never doubt that."
He was gone when I awoke. It took me a moment to remember I was not in my own bed. He was usually there when I was in his. At first, I dozed off again imagining him in the bathroom, but when I awoke again, I grew concerned. I found him sitting in the kitchen with his forehead leaned against his cupped hands. He seemed distant at first when I kissed his head.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
As he inhaled deeply, his expression grew jovial. "I’m sorry, Dove. I didn’t want to wake you. May I get you something?"
I wondered what had him up at this time of night. When he avoided my gaze, I worried. “No, thank you,” I responded. “I’m fine.”
"I needed to meditate earlier to clear my mind,” he confessed. “I must talk to you, but I feel like procrastinating. You’re so..." He stood and kissed me in a way which left me wanting more. "I’d like to sketch you doing yoga so you can refer to it in case you forget a movement during my travels."
I grinned joyfully. “Thank you. I love that idea.”
Although he smiled when he whispered, “I’ll meet you upstairs,” something seemed strange.
I entered the meditation room and removed my robe. Then I sat cross-legged and meditated awaiting his arrival. I knew he was there when he exclaimed, "Dear Goddess!" I opened my eyes to see him leaning against the wall staring at me. I blushed and lowered my gaze. I took his behavior as a compliment, but I felt self-conscious.
He smiled as we got started. He talked me through each movement periodically discussing its purpose. Then he explained how it affected chakras and energy selves. When I finished, I sat down next to him, and he handed me my book of drawings. I flipped through its pages while thanking him repeatedly.
I felt the weight of that moment as he leaned his head against mine, but I had no idea what it meant until he whispered, “I’m worried, Dove. You’re too dependent on me.” He lifted his head and argued with himself. “No! ‘Tis me who’s grown too dependent on you. I can’t bind you to me, and I love you too much to allow you to cling hopelessly. You’ll start college soon. You must explore men your age. It’s time to bless them as you’ve blessed me."
My gaze rested on my toes while fear rose inside. The ax had fallen. Nirvana melted like moisture hitting a water color. Hues drip all around me while I listened stone-faced, staring expectantly at nothing.
"You don’t want me anymore,” I exhaled flatly. I never understood why he wanted me in the first place, but I had to ask, “What did I do wrong?"
"You did nothing which wasn’t loving and kind. As for not wanting you…” He laughed sardonically. “I want you too much. That’s why I must stop now.” He sighed. “Remember what I said about focus? I’ll try to explain. On New Year’s Eve, Johnny remarked about how happy he was because you obviously adore me and you can't take your eyes off me. He showed me what I’m doing to you."
My face grew hot, and my voice became shrill. "To me? What did you ever do that wasn't kind? When did you ever neglect my needs? You’re a generous man. You tell me stories about some sort of hard ass crazy man, but you only show me kindness. Besides, I understand about this being all we’ll ever have."
I saw such sadness when he picked up my chin so he could look into my eyes. "Charles and Jean Pierre both verified Johnny’s perception. Jean Pierre...,” he continued calmly refusing to answer my outburst, but then he paused. “Never mind. What he thinks is impossible. Besides, you must keep your eyes on you, not on me. Adore the Goddess housed within." He rested his hand over my heart and smiled.
"I don’t seek adoration, Dove,” he whispered. “But if I did, you’d be my high priestess of choice. My form is not eternal. If you stayed, eventually you’d change from lover to nurse. I can’t stop time, and there’s too much about my life which you can’t know for your sake. I’m not tired of you as my lover. You reopened my heart, for which I am eternally grateful. I must be content to put my heart on my canvas so the world can see you as I see you.”
My mouth opened to argue, but I closed it, immediately. His decision was final. “You’ve become vital to my state of mind, but I know my limitations. You’ve a pliant nature, and I’ll go too far, eventually. I may have gone too far already. I won’t selfishly deprive you of men who share your ideals."
Frustrated tears flowed unbidden and unwiped. He meant this. I couldn't meet his eyes as I wondered what I would do without him. He was my best friend who made me feel special and loved. I didn’t understand why he thought he was in my way.
“I meditated on Margie this morning trying to imagine what she’d say about me,” he rambled on. “Isis taught me how to love. Although women came and went easily, I never loved before her. She offered me purpose. She taught me to use my resources wisely. I’m blessed with abundance in this life, because I’ve learned to use it well.
“You give freely, so I need to… Please, forgive the phrase, but I need to use you wisely. Sex between us must end because I’m addicted to you. Sex is sacred and must be chosen with a clear head. I won't let anything, including sex, tear us apart. I rely on you. I love you. I need you, Dove," he almost whispered. I felt like he was sharing the deepest secret of his heart.
"But you don't want my body anymore," I stated pouting.
"Goddess, help me! Please!" he uttered closing his eyes as he leaned his head against the wall. "I only wish that were so. I’ve wrestled with this decision all night. I vowed to do what’s best for you. This is best, for now, at least. If I wasn't so frightened that I wouldn't follow through with my resolution, I’d allow you to feel how much I want you. When I touch your flesh..." He got up and walked across the room. After he pushed the tapestry aside, he opened the door and strolled to the window.
From the next room, he continued, "I watched you travel last night. When I heard your message, I realized that you’re a test for me. ‘Everything’s possible when you open your heart.’ Goddess is wise.”
I was shocked. “You heard that, too?” I asked.
He leaned his back against the window and smiled. “You sing the Goddess’ messages often when we lay together, Dove. “That’s one reason I was sorely tempted when I experienced life with you over the holidays. When I entered this room, the impulse to say, 'to hell with it,' over took me momentarily, but I’m anxious to pass this test for Her, for you. You sought the strongest man nearby to hold you, so I was there, but you’re strong enough to hold yourself now."
He returned to my side, picked up my hand and kissed it. "What I said last night is true. I’m here as long as you will. When I return, you’re completely in charge of our next painting together. Until then, you must find lovers more like you. Your needs must come first. I won't have you wasting your youth on a man who can’t make you his full partner in life. You must find better lovers for you."
"I can't imagine a better lover than you. What you gave me ..." I replied between sobs.
"I gave you a beginning. You know your power. I’m grateful to stand in the shadows while I watch you shine in the world. I’ll worship my Goddess with my heart. We’ll make beautiful art together, and you can entertain me with your adventures while I bask in your beauty. I’m your friend for as long as you will, but I’m your humble servant forever."
He kissed my hair. "My lamb is precious. I promise not to throw you to wolves." He smiled more relaxed as if saying this lifted a weight off his shoulders, but he looked forward to a future I dreaded. "As soon as I return, we’ll spend a day together like when I first painted you. Will you allow this?"
Suddenly my nakedness disturbed me. I put on my robe and picked up the book that he made for me. In a daze I retraced his steps to the window which overlooked his garden. It was covered in white. I touched the glass to feel the numbness which cold brings.
"Of course!" I whispered vaguely at the snow. Then I rebelled at the unfairness of this situation. He sat watching me intently as I stamped toward him. "I don’t understand why you get to choose. You call me powerful, and then you tell me I must accept something that I hate. It's just not..."
My anger had sparked his passion. He walked over, took me into his arms and kissed me deeply. He wanted me as must as he ever had. Confusion overwhelmed me. I wanted this, but he claimed this must stop between us.
He turned away from me suddenly pleading, "Queen of Heaven, help me!" He was fighting with himself as well as me. I hoped we would win, but compassion for him overwhelmed me, so I hugged him from behind.
"I’m sorry, Sean. You get mad when I tell you that I’m not smart about these things, so I’ll just apologize. You’re my best friend, and I don't want to hurt you."
"I know, Dove. That’s why I must be strong until you discover what you want. If we didn’t stop now, I’d begin to take you for granted. I know myself. Then, as I age, you’re needs would grow. Since you’re monogamous by nature, you’d leave me for someone who could do as I no longer could. Then my heart would die with us."
I rested my head on his back as a tear hit my arm. I finally understood. This wasn't about me. He was pushing me away because he feared that, once he got comfortable, I’d leave him for some guy my own age. He didn’t understand what he meant to me.
When he turned around and held me again, his desire had dissolved. He was resigned. Although it was my first instinct, arguments were futile. I would adhere to his plan until... I’d decide that later. I lived without sex before. It would be hard around him because his arms were comfortable, and his presence excited me, but, if he felt we were wrong, I wouldn’t push myself on him.
"Reality as you see it,” I muttered vaguely. Then, I held my head high adding, “You’ve never lied to me. You’ve..."
I couldn't say more. I simply stared inhaling my tears. I could hurt him, and I refused to chance that. I gave up. Outwardly I would accept this change in our relationship. I tried to smile as I stared at him in defeat. I kept breathing deeply to hold my head high. Since my tears could hurt him, I planned to mourn alone.
"No matter what, you’re my dearest friend,” I whispered. “I’ll love you until I die, but I’ll do what you want. Please don’t disappear from my life. When I initiated sex between us, you warned me this would happen. Your heart is as important as my own. I’d die if I broke it." I smiled as if I had said something silly. "I’m so melodramatic, aren't I?"
He brushed the back of his hand across my cheek. "You’re my Goddess, Dove. You be whatever your heart desires, and if I can help, it would be my honor to do so. I promise not to push anymore. I’ll accept and step back as I should have done."
I laughed. "You can do whatever you want with me. You always could. I get irritated because I prefer you to give things like the apartment to people who really need it. Since you want someone who loves them to be near Roger and Charles, it’s fine, but money’s too expensive to be wasted on me."
"Well if that's all, then I retract my promise. I’ll interfere as I choose," he quipped.
I laughed until I forced myself not to wrap my arms around him. That freedom was only allowed lovers. I cried as I felt the full weight of my loss.
“This’ll be worth it, Dove,” he whispered as he held me. “You’ll have a better life in the long run.”
I couldn't see a long run. All I could see was the loss of something precious. I sighed my acceptance once more. I tried to smile into his beautiful blue eyes. I didn't need sex to survive when I had my best friend.
"In our next painting," I started while stepping onto my toes to chastely kiss his cheek. "I want you to draw me as I am, not as a goddess. I never understood your bizarre concepts of me," I remarked dumbfounded as I turned away to wipe my tears. “I’ll be plain, but not boring. Maybe I can find a way to express how I feel about this when you get home."
I returned to the window. A surreality entered my experience. I drew a face on the condensation which fogged it. "I must tell you how I feel. You’re my best friend. Who can I talk about you with besides you? I trust you." I turned around and tried to smile again. "I’m not happy with your choice, but I respect your feelings. You’re my… Sean." I looked down at my hands and added sarcastically, "Just don't set me up with guys."
"You think I exaggerate, but any man who doesn’t see the Goddess in you doesn’t deserve you. Don't ever let any man treat you as less than you are. Do you hear me?" I couldn't look at him or even speak as he brought my hands to his lips. I inhaled my emotions as I nodded my head.
Then he laughed. "I don't know about you, but I hate Mondays. It inevitably brings an irritating sense of reality." I laughed along with him and hugged him tightly. "Let's wake Jean Pierre and find a diner. Listening to him complain will keep me from thinking." He kissed the top of my head. "Perhaps we can see a film on Saturday. Johnny said “Star Wars” is brilliant."